Long Arm of the Law

I got my license when I was 16. But I got my first speeding ticket when I was 14.

When I was 17, I got drunk for the first (and last) time, on gin. I had been at the Community Center dance. Walking (stumbling) home that night, a state police officer named "Smokey" Stover stopped me, and accused me of being drunk.

Not being one to take that lying down (or barely standing up), I quickly retorted, "When I was 7, I was in a car accident that left me paralyzed. For the last 10 years I have been at Crotched Mountain Rehabilitation Center (Greenfield NH), learning how to walk again. And you have the gall to accuse me of being drunk just because I walk funny!"

Well, he said that was the most original and imaginative excuse he had ever heard, so he was going to give me a pass - this time. Had I been sober, I would have remembered he knew me, and knew my story was bogus - Smokey was dating my sister.

When I was 35, my van broke down late at night on I95 near Salisbury MA. I got out and started walking. Another state cop pulled me over (always being pulled over when I am walking!!!) and the dumb SOB gave me a ticket for walking on the Interstate (this jerk was not dating my sister). What did he expect me to do at 2 in the morning - go trudging off into the woods in an area I was unfamiliar with? What's worse, I ignored the ticket as being stupid and irrelevant - and they took my license. Imagine, losing your license because you were NOT driving! how dumb is that?

Some cops are great. Others are far from it. When some idiot kid caused a problem for our daughter, Cumberland County flatfoot Larry Cote was right on the spot. Got everything made right, quickie, quickie. Very professional. Larry became a friend that we trust implicitly.

On the other hand, we have had occasion to call York County Sheriff's office 4 times. And every time they either never showed up at all, or blew off the problem. Once, it was people firing off fully automatic weapons at night. When the Sheriff discovered the guy had money, and his friend that was shooting with him was a fellow officer, the incident got swept under the rug.

Another instance, a friend of mine asked me to check on his house while he was in New Orleans helping people rebuild after Katrina. Someone broke into his house, so I called York Co. Sheriff, and was told, "Sorry, we cannot do anything. It's not your house. Only the victim can report that." WHAT???? A crime is only a crime if reported by the victim??? Are these the Keystone Cops? So, if you kill someone, a York Co deputy cannot do anything about it because the victim is dead and cannot file the complaint.

Still another incident involved a car accident. Someone swerved off the road near our house, and smashed through a neighbor's stone wall and hit her spruce tree. We called York Co. again. That was over two months ago, and they STILL haven't shown up! I'm tired of waiting - I'm going home.

Finally, there was the incident last month concerning bombs being exploded. Really! These explosions rattled windows more than a quarter mile away. Once every hour. We called York Co. (you'd think we would have known better by now). We even told them the exact address here in Limington, and the time that the next one would go off (every hour, almost exactly). Sure enough, in one hour, another blast. And no cops. I called to find out what happened. The dispatcher (obviously a Bonny Eagle graduate) said it was turned over to Oxford Co because the address was on rte 160 in Porter. No, I said - I know where I live (most of the time) and I had given him a Limington address on rte 25, and Limington is York, not Oxford. So, the cops were hanging around on 160 in Porter while bombs were going off in Limington. Impressive police work.

I feel bad for anyone who ever has to count on York County cops. But Cumberland deputies seem to be right on the ball. And I'm sure Oxford cops are probably great, too - if they are not still waiting around on rte 160. I hope they billed York County for the wasted time.

The ONE time when we actually got a York cop to actually do something resembling his job and it was a study in banality. We were in York, looking for York Wild Animal Park for the first time (back in the early 90's), and some overly eager cop ticketed us doing 38 in a 35. Honest!

Don't get me wrong. Normally, I have the utmost respect for law enforcement officers. Some of my friends wear blues. And I respect that they risk their lives to protect us all. But let's face it - not all officers are worthy of respect. There are lousy cops just like there are lousy priests, or lousy politicians. And so far, York County's selection of law enforcement officers are not exactly inspiring. I am sorely disappointed in them. Of course, I am certain there are good, conscientious officers on the York Co. force. I only wish one of them had been there when needed.

Meanwhile, the folks in Augusta in charge of collecting the exhorbitant taxes from its citizens recently sent me a notice that I did not pay more than $7,000 in income tax to Maine in 1994. I had to point out that I did not move to Maine until 1995, so I really did not feel obligated to pay Maine anything for 1994. Next year, I move back to New Hampshire. I'm sure Maine will still try to tax me.

Enough for now - it's late, and I have a busy day on the 'morrow. See ya!